Giant spiders, the muddiest hike ever, and Nicaraguan Axe body spray ads - Ometepe Island Part 2

The island is tarantula country after all and at night they like to roam walls and scare people who aren’t used to living in tarantula country. An Arizonian staying at the farm, being accustomed to such beasts found one and picked it up and waved it at a group of girls who screamed and scampered. He assured that, “they’re hairy and loners and chill, like cats – it’s like petting a cat.” Anyway, the gross prize goes to a different spider. This guy was tarantula-sized, non-hairy, and had clearly distinguishable fangs from several feet away. He was in my shower in Managua as I was showering. He wins.

I made friendly with three Spaniards and early Sunday morning joined their guided tour up the volcano, a 5km straight shot up, no switchbacks, 8-hours roundtrip. The arid lowlands became the lush midlands, which became the dense, wet, cloudy highlands, Jurassic Park style. The trail went from rocky to muddy to very muddy to flowing water. The wet season turns the path into a full-on river and the volcano becomes non-hikeable, but in the dry season it’s just comically slippery. The Spaniards and I bet beers over who would fall first and I ended with a splattered backside and a round on me, the guide rolling. The ascent wasn’t without its rewards, of course. Maderas hasn’t blown in 800-years or so and the now former crater is a lush and eerie cloud-covered lagoon. Howler monkeys howled at us during the descent and at the bottom the normally shitty Tona beer wasn’t half bad. I sat and stared at my mud-caked legs.

The return to Managua took all day. Inhale – a three-hour wait for bus, then transfer to another bus to the port, about 2 hours; a 90-minute boat ride, a cab to Rivas, a bicycle taxi to the bus terminal, a two-hour bus to a Managua market, and a taxi to the door – exhale. All day, for about 70 miles. But with no maps, guides, traveling companions, or English speakers, the challenge is uplifting, and as my Spanish improves the more I love it here.

I noticed Axe body spray ads on giant billboards upon reentering Managua. The city has it’s share of ads, like any city, but most of the giant billboards display Daniel Ortega attached to some uplifting bullshit like “Up with the world’s poor” or something. Often one of the world’s poor is ironically camped out underneath. (Ortega’s approval rating is hovering at the George Dubya level of about 30%.) Ads for Huggies and Scott paper towels are also everywhere, usually painted on the sides of houses. The Axe ads, however, have a blond, full-lipped American, staring lustfully, her lips dripping with melting chocolate. “Irresistible,” it says, “like chocolate.” And by chocolate they mean the wave of American materialism.